Stream of Consciousness

by Michelle Lasley

Michelle Lasley is a mother, wife in Pacific Northwest learning to balance green dreams with budget realities.

September 6, 2013

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Categories: One a Day, Post a Day 2013

I’m tired. My eyes are sore and slightly watery. My feet are tired. My hips are tired. But, my brain will not stop. I keep thinking about interactions, hopes, dreams, task lists, and schedules.

I’m not really sure what I want to write tonight. I want to write because I want to continue this habit of getting the thoughts out of my head onto an accountable form. I want to write because I went so many months without writing for many reasons, one main reason being lack of workable technology. That has passed, I now have tech that works.

Had an amazing meeting tonight. Someone, a few years older than me, whose brain works similarly to mine. I don’t often meet generalists who’ve thought about their life and what they ought to do to the point that they could guide me. She indicated that she knows a lot of specialists, folks who sign up for one task and do that well, repeatedly every day. She indicated that she likes to master things, stop, move onto the next. She doesn’t get bored, but being a learner, she likes to learn a lot.

I do get bored, or I have in the past. As in, there weren’t enough new challenges or problems worth solving thrown my way, so I would quit and find another new project to work on or think about until the next new problem came my way. Recently, I have been able to assess that I am better at starting things rather than walking into a thing that’s already existing. One fun aspect of my food buying club is that we learned it all – together – and figured it out together.

Other places where I spend my time, I have entered institutions. Some are more willing than others to receive feedback and best practice suggestions. Others are so set in their ways that they cannot see another idea no matter how tantalizing it sounds.

After asking me what I want to do with my life, to which I responded, “I want to educate people on the importance of a sustainable society. She follows up with “So, where do you see yourself fitting in this world?”

Bluntly, I responded, “I don’t know. As such, I’m seeing a career counselor tomorrow.”

She kept on, “I am reprimanding myself for wanting to put you in a box, because people to this to me, and there really isn’t a box to put me in. I figured out, though, over the last few years, that I am better suited for start-ups, and I think you are too.”

We had a terrific chat about our shared interests. I’m not sure how the time passed for her, but I was surprised nearly an hour and a half did, as I thought we had only been chatting for 20 minutes, and I couldn’t understand why I was feeling so tired.

I am terribly thrilled we were able to meet. Her astute, unsolicited observations were pleasantly surprising. And, I am eager to see how these observations will fit in the path I am following. I am doing what I want to do, I’m just now where I want to be. And, I’m not sure how to define where I want to be. All these pieces to the puzzle, slowly fitting in. I know there is a light at the end, I just can’t clearly see it yet. This rut before change is always so interesting, so fragile, so raw. I hope I am recognizing and appreciating it for what it is. When I’m in the light, the reflection back is always … so different.

End stream of consciousness. Good night.

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