I’ve been a bit obsessed with the Sex and the City series lately. I’ve been getting the TV show from the library, I saw the movie, I’m reading the book. I like to track origins, so reading the book is a next-best thing to tracking the original columns by Candace Bushnell. I am reading a copy that was published recently, but includes an introduction from Bushnell written in 2001. She concludes through all the crazy, freakish incidents she and her girlfriends encountered, the real reason they are all still single is because simply they want to be.
I have school debt that we would like paid off in two years. But, I’m having quite the problem finding a job. My husband really enjoys my being home because he works nights and then we can do things together during the day. While that is nice, it’s also frustrating because I should be spending a majority of my ‘free’ time looking for a job: tailoring resumes and sending out applications. And, I don’t, because I don’t know how to balance his desires, my desires, and Levi’s needs. And, although I wouldn’t give up my boys for anything, I find myself wondering – what would my life look like if I had made different choices? What would my life look like if I were still single?
I wonder if I would have finished school earlier. I wonder what activities I’d be involved with. I wonder where I’d be living. Would Megan and I have lasted as roommates or would I be living in a studio apartment some place? I wonder if I’d be freer to go get coffee when I want one instead of coordinating schedules. I get most frustrated by this checking in when I want to do something like make bread for our household, but my dear husband has other ideas that he may have just thought up.
But, I don’t think I’ve ever really wanted to be single. I’ve always been one of those girls who wondered why everyone else had a boyfriend and why a boy wasn’t interested in me. About the time I stopped caring, but still yearned the connections one could feel, I started dating. A few years later, I did get married and had a baby. So, I suppose this has been what I’ve always wanted, even if it didn’t happen in the order I would have preferred or within a time line I would have liked. But, it is what I have always wanted, a family who loves me and will willingly claim me. Now, I just have to learn to be happy with what I wanted and have. The journey continues.